Like mother, like self ... or not?

Whether you like it or not one thing becoming a mum forces you to do is to reflect on the mothering you received. If you had a close, nurturing relationship with your own mum you might just take for granted that your relationship with your own children will be the same. But what happens if you don't have a good relationship with your mum or your dad. Or if you have in fact experienced neglect or a lack of nurturing as a child. Does this mean you won't be able to nurture your own children?
This is a very real concern for many new mums and I would say at least 50% of the women I see in my private practice have this burning question about themselves. In some cases it impacts on their ability to enjoy the early months of motherhood. I have a few thoughts to share with you on the subject as I believe the ability to parent can be developed irrespective of our own experiences of being parented.
Motherhood is a learnt skill
I remember holding my oldest daughter in my arms for the first time. I couldn't stop gazing at her at the miracle of this tiny baby. After the initial moments of bliss I was suddenly in a whirlwind of panic. What next, how do I take care of this little person? What do you mean I should know how to change a nappy, don't these things come with instructions? I really had no idea and as the weeks and months rolled by I figured out that I needed to learn to mother. I had expected that the mothering gene would be implanted in my DNA during the birth experience and I would automatically just know how to do it. However, I didn't and when I finally accepted that I was learning on the job I felt a load had been lifted from my shoulders. No longer did I need to be pre-programmed for this task but I could in fact find my way as I went.
Role modelling can work both ways
Let's face it, it's definitely easier to learn something when you've already watched and experienced someone else do it well. Being around a mother or a father who was engaged, present and loving makes it easier to role model these qualities yourself. However, it's not a show stopper. Research shows that mums can learn to nurture their children through watching other mums do it. And mums who have other successful relationships in their life, with a partner or with friends or other family, can also develop successful relationships with their children.
I think these findings are re-assuring to those of us who fear that history can repeat itself. As a mum you can choose how you want to parent and give yourself the space to learn on the job as you go. What the findings also reinforce is the helpfulness of being around other mums and friends with children and the ability to be able to share and learn from each others experiences.
I would like to hear your views and experiences on this topic. Please feel free to drop me a line.

Mataji Kennedy
Back to Library
At a glance
-
Healing after Betrayal
Is it Possible? -
Modern Marriage
When to leave a relationship -
How Depressed Are You?
Information about anti-depressants and the alternatives -
Emotional Intelligence
A harmonious balance -
Food for Thought
Reconnecting with your body. -
Surviving Postnatal Depression
You are not alone -
The Future of Marriage
Shining a light on intimate relationships -
Loss involves Change
and Change involves Loss -
Intimacy in Relationships
Have you lost hope? -
Living at the seam line
My struggle against separation. -
Gambling
It's been said that Australians will bet on anything -
Is it OK to use touch in psychotherapy?
Is it OK to work with clients who know each other? -
Borderline
Making the world safe again -
When Words Are Not Enough
Somatic Psychotherapy: a therapist's perspective -
If you are having suicidal thoughts...
It is important to ask for help. -
The Within, and the Between
The Art of Relationship Counselling -
The Good Fight
How taking your own side can minimise confusion and conflict -
Celebrate Success
The art of self congratulation -
Please Understand Me
Does personal temperament impact the therapeutic relationship? -
An Authentic Christmas
Give yourself and your loved ones the gift of choice this Christmas
- Temenos Journal (26)
- Time (15)
- Friendship (4)
- Dreams (3)
- Authenticity and Play (1)
- Progress and Process (1)
- Bliss and Awareness (1)
- Poetry (3)
- Conversations (2)
- Reviews (10)
- Books (3)
- Films (8)
- Music (1)
- Library (64)
- Anxiety and Depression (5)
- Burnout and Balance (4)
- Career and Calling (2)
- Communication (1)
- Culture and Society (7)
- Education and Ethics (2)
- Emotions (5)
- Family and Parenting (15)
- Grief and Loss (3)
- Human Condition (9)
- Personality and Identity (3)
- Health and Wellbeing (1)
- Relationships (13)
- Trauma (4)
- Therapy (21)
- Professional Training (3)
- Conferences (1)
- Good Therapy News (2)
- Philosophical Enquiry (14)
- Forum Questions (174)
- November 2019 (1)
- September 2019 (1)
- June 2017 (1)
- May 2017 (2)
- September 2016 (1)
- August 2015 (1)
- July 2015 (1)
- November 2014 (1)
- October 2014 (2)
- June 2014 (2)
- May 2014 (1)
- April 2014 (2)
- January 2014 (1)
- November 2013 (3)
- October 2013 (1)
- September 2013 (2)
- August 2013 (5)
- June 2013 (17)
- April 2013 (1)
- August 2012 (1)
- June 2012 (1)
- January 2012 (2)
- November 2011 (1)
- November 2010 (1)
- June 2010 (1)
- May 2010 (1)
- February 2010 (1)
- January 2010 (1)
- February 2009 (4)
- June 2008 (1)
- May 2008 (1)
- March 2007 (1)
- December 2006 (2)
- September 2006 (1)
- July 2006 (3)
- May 2006 (1)
- March 2006 (3)
- February 2006 (1)
- November 2005 (2)
- October 2005 (2)
- September 2005 (2)
- August 2005 (10)
- July 2005 (3)
- May 2005 (3)
- April 2005 (1)
- March 2005 (4)
- February 2005 (1)
- January 2005 (3)
- December 2004 (2)
- November 2004 (6)
- September 2004 (1)
- July 2004 (2)