I'm Having Difficulty Dealing With My Feelings Of Low Self Esteem...

Question: My husband recently told me that he is no longer physically attracted to me. He maintains that he still loves me and after I found out that he nearly kissed a friend of ours and that they had been sharing intimate emails, I told him to decide one way or the other: if he wanted to make things work with me or split up. We have been together for 11 years and I am pregnant with our first child. He chose me and has stopped communicating with the other girl. We talk a lot and are trying to work out our problems.

The thing is I'm having difficulty dealing with my feelings of low self esteem and feel that because my husband doesn't find me attractive, then I am not attractive. I intend to see a counsellor, and so does he (separately to sort out his own issues), but I wanted to know if you think that when someone has lost that "spark" and attraction, can they get it back simply by changing things in their life like not spending all of our time together and getting more inventive in the bedroom? I'm just really confused and upset right now.

Answer: Sounds like a really painful time right now. But yes, I believe it is possible to rekindle a spark. All long term relationships eventually come crashing into this issue. A positive is that your husband has chosen to work on things with you. He is interested in finding his spark with you. Most affairs and flirtations outside a relationship are really ways of saying "I want more intimacy" "our sex life needs more excitement" "there are issues about you/us that are unresolved and getting in the way of my love and attraction for you"...

All your suggestions are right on track, more time apart, more fun in the bedroom. But also I would guess that self esteem was an issue before your husband said he wasn't attracted to you anymore. Go ahead with counselling. Find a therapist with whom you can talk honestly and openly about how you feel about your looks and your self as a sexual being, as well as any other issues.

For some reading I would recommend Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch - available at bookstores and libraries throughout the country. This book talks a lot about why intimacy and sexual attraction fade in long term relationships.

Answer provided by Michelle McClintock