Public Forum How can I respond to insecure people without giving them a 'free ticket' to be slack?

Question: Sometimes in my work I encounter people who admit to being 'frightened' of me. I am a female who has lived a strongly independent and confident life. I am assertive but not, I think, aggressive - I don't get angry at people, but I don't suffer fools easily and don't mollycoddle subordinates. I give them the tools and instructions to do their work, and repeat the instructions as necessary. I do not use negative language nor belittle their work or person. Should I be concerned about this feedback? Are their feelings of insecurity my problem? How can I respond to insecure people without giving them a 'free ticket' to be slack? Cheers, KJB

Answer (1)  Dear KJB, It’s a great question – how much is projection from another and how much is our own personal stuff when it comes to accusations. In Process Oriented Psychology, we have a rule of thumb around this, which is to take every accusation seriously and to look for at least 1 percent of truth in it (more if that feels right). This way, if there is some truth we will find it by asking “How am I like that even to a minute degree?” If we can find some truth in their statement, then acknowledging this may help the other person pick up their own personal power. If we ask ourselves honestly and we can find no truth, we will come up blank and at least then we can have a clear conscience around people’s projections onto us and handle them appropriately. We might respond with “well I thought about what you said about me, and actually I really don’t think that’s accurate, what is it exactly that frightens you?”

The other issue that is worth considering is Rank. You mentioned that the accusation often happens at work, and this could make sense if you are in a position of authority or if you simply hold a lot of personal/psychological rank (which it sounds like you do). It would be interesting to ask or to “dream into” (imagine/fantasize) what people might find frightening about you – this way you may gain insight into the limits of their own personal power and if it is role appropriate you may be able to help coach them into a stronger internal position. For example, some people may find your assertiveness and independence threatening, even if it is not aggressive, just because to be an assertive woman in our culture is a powerful social rebellion. Many people simply find authority threatening, and are usually struggling to express their own social power. I hope these thoughts are helpful… Regards, Michelle McClintock

Answer provided by Michelle McClintock, Psychologist

Answer (2)  There's no doubt that there are some people who find any kind of authoritarian figure intimidating. These people have probably not yet worked through and healthily resolved their difficulties surrounding independence and parental control, with which we all inevitably must struggle. However, it's not possible to psychoanalyse each and every employee and determine whether or not this is the case. If you find this reaction to you to be very common and not dependant on the sex or age of the employee, then you may want to take a closer look at your particular styles of relating. It might be that you could benefit from management skills training courses or personal psychotherapy, depending on the depth to which you feel you need to go.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist