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Question:  My husband has depression. We have 3 boys under 5 and really do struggle some days to enjoy each others company as my husband lacks energy and general happiness. Will this affect our children, will they understand and how will we know if they are feeling depressed?

Answer (1)  Children are like sponges, they take in far more than we could ever know. They may not totally understand why their Daddy isn't present to them, but they will know that something isn't quite right with their world. Littlies do not have the ability and facility with language, to express to you what they are experiencing and feeling. Children best communicate this through their play, usual habits such as eating and sleeping, in their behaviour and interaction with others. For you to ascertain what is going on for them, you will need to become an observer and detective.

Watch for signs such as poor sleeping, excessive clinginess, changes in appetite and toileting, a change in their interactions with their father. If the children are in preschool, have a confidential word to the Director about your situation and ask then to notify you of any changes in their behaviour.  Keep a journal for several weeks and if you think that you have some clear indications that one or more of the boys is struggling, find a therapist with experience in working with young children. Make an
appointment for yourself to discuss your findings and concerns. Do this initially without the children, so that you can speak freely and without fear of interruption.

You need some support too so don't neglect your own needs during this time. Friends are great at times like this, but you may need to get some unbiased support from a therapist too. 

Finally, teaching your children to be resilient, to cope with difficult situations and to problem solve, can help them develop the ability to cope with their own sad times. Life will always present us with both good and bad times. How we perceive them and what we actually do about them, makes the difference between coming out the other end wiser and better prepared for the next difficulty, or getting stuck and missing the happy times when they invariably come knocking.

With every good wish for you and your family,

Kim Hanson

Answer (2)  We do know that certain children have risk factors in their lives which could predispose them to depression or could "trigger" depression. Your own situation could be one of these risk factors. The signs of depression to watch out for include: - Persistent sadness and/or irritability. - Low self-esteem or feelings or worthlessness. A child may make such statements as, "I'm bad. I'm stupid. No one likes me." - Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities. - Change in appetite (either increase or decrease). - Change in sleep patterns (either increase or decrease). - Difficulty concentrating. - Anger and rage - Headaches, stomachaches or other physical pains that seem to have no cause. - Changes in activity level. The child either becomes more lethargic or more hyperactive. - Recurring thoughts of death or suicide. If you or another adult in your child's life suspect a problem with depression, then you should: - be aware of the behaviors that are of concern and note how long the behaviors have been going on, how often they occur, and how severe they seem; - see a mental health professional or the child's doctor for evaluation and diagnosis; - get accurate information from libraries, helplines and other sources; - ask questions about treatments and services; - talk to other families with similar problems in the community; and - find a family support group. Take care.

Brett O'Connor