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Question:  I wrote in before about predicting violence. Thank you so much for your excellent replies. I also read the info on narcissism and it sent a chill down my spine. We had a blow up on Friday night. He got paranoid when I wasn't where I said I would be, so I broke it off. He then worked really hard to get me back without threats, just pleading, promising and by being extra nice. I hear what you say about the risks but I can't seem to help myself. Even when I've made up my mind to say no, my heart sees how much he needs me and I end up caving in.  Michelle

Answer (1)  He does indeed need you but what does he need you for? What function does possessing and controling you, serve for him. The grovelling and pleading (this time) only show how absolutely desperate he is to keep his hold on you and you mistake it for love. The "paranoid jealousy" scenario may very well be repeated over and over again, as long as you stay with this guy and I really hope for your sake, it doesn't eventually turn nasty. However, when it does happen again, (and it probably will) ask him to see a therapist and insist he acknowledge and look at his problem. Whether he does or doesn't, please seriously consider seeing one yourself. It is vital that you understand your part in perpetuating and facilitating this re-enactment. Working out what it is within you, that makes you such a vulnerable target for this sort of man, will help you to bring your mind and your heart into alignment, thus enabling you to hold your ground.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2)  Sounds to me as if you made an assessment of him, made a decision to like yourself, and communicated it. I wonder what part of "no" he does not understand. In any relationship we need at least as much strong mindedness as we do "soft heartedness". Are you dealing with a man, or a little boy who can only see through his self-centred eyes and consider only his needs? There is a very familiar cycle in abusive relationships: courtship, possession, abuse, separation, courtship and so on. Ask yourself if yielding to his pleas will change your partner's behaviour. Resisting the pleas of another is difficult, especially when their is a history of emotional connection. But children use similar emotional blackmail and a wise parent does not allow the child to learn how to manipulate people but stands firm. Giving in to him you may escape the pressure of his pleading, but it may also make ending the relationship much more difficult to argue in future.

Women in chronically abusive relationships can take up to 30 attempts before they successfully and safely leave an abusive partner without yielding to the offenders habitual "wooing". We need to be able to withstand the opinion of others if we are to be true to, and protect ourselves. Think hard. Talk to someone who is familiar with these matters. Family or Domestic Violence agencies have helplines to advise or a private practitioner may be your choice. You may well need support to resist the force of this man's urgings.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor

Answer (3)  Dear Michelle. Sounds like you're getting hooked on a guy who may come to depend on you as a kind of nurse to tend his fears of rejection and of losing control of you. You may find yourself in trouble for not anticipating how he would feel in circumstances that any reasonable person would neither fear nor mistrust and yet not receive the same consideration from him. You don't say how old you are but at a guess I would say not a teenager. If I'm wrong then call Youth Line in your state on the numbers here or 1300 364 004 and visit this dating violence site. 

If you are in your twenties and this is your first experience of this kind of male dependence I wonder if you are being drawn in by feeling you have found acceptance for the first time in your life and that this guy promises a haven from the outside world. And given your chill over narcissism I wonder if it's verbal abuse you have asked about. It is defined here as persistent behavior using words and "mind games" to instill self-doubt in you and to build his sense of dominance and control. Verbal abuse sometimes is disguised as "good natured" humor or "pet names." Eg. "You take everything too serious, can't you take a joke?" "Hey, little fatso, come over here!"

Many different factors contribute to male violence. Many guys are taught to suppress awareness of their vulnerable emotions especially of fear, grief, and shame. By suppressing emotions and relationships both men and women become mobile to seek accomplishments and jobs. But men are particularly socialized to suppress shame: 'the sense of being weak, inadequate, powerless, helpless, impotent, or incompetent.'  Hidden shame is the one of the main sources of anger in verbal or physical abuse. Yet the word shame or even a lighter version 'embarrassment' are not often identified as underlying it. Blame is preferred.

A guy who expects you to be his psychic nurse is unlikely to have the skills to articulate the core of what is arousing his fear or anger and may also have lower EQ than you and unlikely to warm to your telling him that kind of stuff. Hence the need of outside help. At some stage your friends will get sick of hearing about his possessive vigilance and you may then find yourself looking for a counsellor to sort this out. Please do that soon, preferably after the next blow up and before you become isolated from them. It may move your process along if you read my pre commitment education page with him.

Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist

Answer (4)  Dear Michelle ‘breaking up is hard to do’ as the song goes. Picture yourself in the same situation you are now but having the added responsibility of raising children etc. Would you be able to cope with his behaviour? Would you be happy? When courted you should be made feel special, cherished, respected. Do you feel that? If the answer is yes, then it may be worth your while exploring the problem areas in therapy before committing to a long term relationship.

Answer provided by Eva Fera, Psychologist